Tuesday, October 01, 2013

when i try to sleep

i've been having a hard time sleeping.
I know I'm tired but I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Whenever I try to fall asleep I try to start thinking about what I want to dream about.  Lately, I can't picture myself pregnant.  I can't picture a big stomach, swollen ankles, getting ultrasounds or even shopping for baby stuff.  Then, I start thinking about that becoming a reality.  Maybe I can't have kids so this is my subconscious telling me I can't.  But then, I start thinking about it and then I literally don't sleep.
The past weeks I've been having some major cramping.  Like wake me up in the middle of the night, fetal position, rocking back and forth, making me sweat cramps.  It throws me into a nightmare because it feels just like my miscarriage.  EXACTLY like my miscarriage.  It frightens me.  I know i'm not pregnant, so I know it's not a miscarriage, but it's just keeping that idea so fresh in my mind.  The days that I used to long about having a child are starting to fade away and that scares me.  I think i've become emotionally drained and now that I can't picture myself having a child, why do I invest so much in it.
It's so much more than a financials strain, it's mental, physical and so emotional.  It's brought Shane and I closer together, but at the same time I feel like there are parts that we've become numb about.  Where we are (Utah) we feel like we are out of the norm.  We're both graduated with big people jobs and we don't have kids.  I feel like it's a natural step in life for us to start having children and we're ready.
I trust the path I'm on.  I trust that what will happen- will happen.  I trust heavenly father.
I trust my relationship with Shane.

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