infertility problem #42

I get in these pinning moods, especially with baby stuff.  When secret boards were introduced- I immediately made a baby board and pinned away.  I pin stuff for "someday".  It's a sort of soothing process- it's gratifying but I don't know why.  It's probably pretty backwards that I can't have children but I can't stop pinning baby stuff.  But being a woman that can't have a baby is also pretty backwards.

infertile?  make a secret baby board- it made me feel better!

when i try to sleep

i've been having a hard time sleeping.
I know I'm tired but I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Whenever I try to fall asleep I try to start thinking about what I want to dream about.  Lately, I can't picture myself pregnant.  I can't picture a big stomach, swollen ankles, getting ultrasounds or even shopping for baby stuff.  Then, I start thinking about that becoming a reality.  Maybe I can't have kids so this is my subconscious telling me I can't.  But then, I start thinking about it and then I literally don't sleep.
The past weeks I've been having some major cramping.  Like wake me up in the middle of the night, fetal position, rocking back and forth, making me sweat cramps.  It throws me into a nightmare because it feels just like my miscarriage.  EXACTLY like my miscarriage.  It frightens me.  I know i'm not pregnant, so I know it's not a miscarriage, but it's just keeping that idea so fresh in my mind.  The days that I used to long about having a child are starting to fade away and that scares me.  I think i've become emotionally drained and now that I can't picture myself having a child, why do I invest so much in it.
It's so much more than a financials strain, it's mental, physical and so emotional.  It's brought Shane and I closer together, but at the same time I feel like there are parts that we've become numb about.  Where we are (Utah) we feel like we are out of the norm.  We're both graduated with big people jobs and we don't have kids.  I feel like it's a natural step in life for us to start having children and we're ready.
I trust the path I'm on.  I trust that what will happen- will happen.  I trust heavenly father.
I trust my relationship with Shane.

when it goes ectopic....kind of

a little update....
So I have been going in regularly to get my blood drawn to check my HcG levels.  At my ER visit last Friday I was already down to a 115- so I thought I was on the road to being officially not pregnant.  On Thursday I went in and got another blood draw.  My poor arms are bruised from all this blood work.  I got my results back at about 5:30 pm and my HcG number was going up.  It was now at a 272- not good.  My doctor said that the pregnancy was somewhere, just not in the right spot.  She explained that there is no way there is  a healthy baby in my tummy, but that I'd have to get a shot of methotrexate.  So, even though they're not exactly sure where this pregnancy is- they're still classifying it "ectopic".  What a horrible sounding word!

I text my mom a picture of my arm every time I get blood work done- she always replies and tells me how tough I am!

I was a little bummed about this because of course I had googled this earlier and heard horror stories about this shot.  It's actually used for cancer patients because the shot attacks fast growing cells.  A pregnancy is a fast growing cell- so it does it's job goooood!  My doctor said since my number is still low I'd probably only need one shot- thank heavens!  This would make me have about zero side effects (aka- no hair loss!) so I was feeling okay about the shots.

I had to have the shots in my bum cheeks- cute huh?  One in each cheek for proper dispersement.   If this pregnancy has taught me anything- it's that pregnancy is not glamorous. I've also gotten less embarrassed because I've realized that these OBGYN's have seen it all.

When I found out where the shots were going... 

So now I have three more blood checks this week- Monday, Wednesday and Friday to see if my number is going down.  Cross your fingers that it does so I don't need anymore "bum shots!"  

when you're pregnant... and then not

I wasn't sure exactly how to title this post because everything seemed so dramatic or gruesome.  So I decided to title it exactly like how it happened... I was pregnant and then I wasn't anymore.  I'm also not going to go through and re-read it and edit it, so sorry if there are typos or if it seems jumbled- I just wanted to get it out of my head!

On June 9th I woke up at 6:30am to go to the bathroom.  I had been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms including excessive peeing!  I was nauseous and my boobs were really sensitive.  My doctor told me to take a test on the 8th or 9th but I was so nervous!  Could I handle if it was negative?  What if it was positive.  I hated that there was so much riding on this one test.  I read and re-read the instructions over and over to make sure I was doing it right.  I took the test and set my phone timer to three minutes and tried.. oh I TREID SO HARD not to look at the test until the three minutes was over.  After 30 seconds a faint line appeared...
I flipped out.  Was this for real, was i really pregnant?  Was this test wrong?  Was it a false positive?  Is the line supposed to be darker?  I had a billion questions.  Of course, it was early on a Sunday and Shane was fast asleep and even when I jumped in bed it took him a while to figure out what was going on.  (I did have a plan to wait and tell him in an adorable, cute way but I just couldn't wait!)

Fast forward.  I was literally on cloud 9!  I was so happy all of Sunday.  On Monday I got blood work done and it confirmed I was pregnant!  My HcG level was around a 50.  They just want the number to double every other day.  On Wednesday my level was at 168.  The doctor was happy with how things were progressing and I had another appointment to test my level on Monday, the 17th.  All week I was so happy.  I couldn't believe that I was pregnant!  I started looking at stroller reviews and looking at apartment complexes around us that have two bedrooms.  I downloaded pregnancy apps and found out my due date was on Valentines day!

I also learned all about due dates and how they count from your last period.  So interesting! 

On Monday I woke up early to get my blood work done before I went to work.  I was expecting all was well and my doc called me with the results and told me that my number was 472... and she wanted it to be around a 900.  She told me that she was sorry, but it wasn't good news.  She wanted me to get an ultra sound soon to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby is stuck in my tubes).  She told me to find an OB in Utah (Im using a fertility doctor in Montana) and get an ultrasound done asap. I was devastated.   I cried all day and was so depressed.  I try to give myself a 24 hour time period to be sad and then move on.

I don't have an OB here in Utah but I have been researching them extensively and had a top 5 list.  Of course, all of these doctors had a two month waiting list.  I finally found some random guy in South Jordan who had an opening on Tuesday, 6/18.  I took the appointment and told him what was going on and asked him for an ultrasound.  He refused.  He thought my numbers were okay and set up an appointment two weeks later so we could "take a look at the healthy heartbeat and baby."  I was ticked.  He wouldn't give me an ultrasound and he really didn't' know my story.  I decided to just go a long with it.  I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't in pain.  My fertility doctor told me to keep her updated.

Friday morning, 6/21, I woke up at 5am in immense pain.  (I was about 6 weeks at this point. )  I feel like i'm pretty tough, I've had bad cramps before, but this was on a totally different level.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I had rushing blood.  I immediately knew I was having a miscarriage.  I thought about trying to lay down to see if the pain would go away but I could tell that it was only going to get worse.  I yelled at Shane that I was having a miscarriage.  He rolls over in bed and is like "What?"  I, in a not so nice way, told him that he needed to take me to the ER.  

He drove like a crazy person and we got to the hospital in record time!  I was still bleeding pretty heavily and I literally have never been in so much pain.  I started vomiting and I remember feeling like such a mess.  I was in a robe that opened in the back, I was bleeding all over, It was 5am so I already looked like sunshine and now I was barfing.  How Shane will ever find me attractive and and want to attempt to make another baby with me again- i'll never know.

The doctors came in and took some tests.  Lots of blood work and then they gave me an IV.  They finally gave me some zofran which made my naseua subside and some narcotics so I would stop telling Shane "I just want to die"  (I honestly have never been in that much pain)

Here I am after the narcotics had made it's way into my body:  Sorry there was no before picture!

I got a few ultrasounds done and there was no baby to be found!  I was actually really happy about this because then I wouldn't have to have surgery to remove my baby.  I had already had time to process that I wasn't pregnant anymore- so mentally I was totally fine.  We were happy that the baby was leaving my body naturally.   

I was sent home with some Percocet and nausea medication and was on bed rest for a few days.  I popped narcotics and downed gatorade all day Friday.  I literally slept all day and night- it was wonderful.  On Saturday I also slept almost all day.  I took my last pain pill at about 1pm and haven't looked back since!  

Today, Sunday, 6/23, I am up eating food and even taught Relief Society!  I feel so much better and I feel like I'm in a really good place.  My body was able to get pregnant- I didn't know if that could happen.  I learned at the hospital that 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage- so I was just getting my one out of the way.  Hopefully after my body heals I can start trying again.  Taking a few months off to get my body back to normal and to just be emotionally happy for a little while.

 The nightstand of a miscarriage patient.

I just want to give a shout-out to the Shane man.  He has been so patient and loving towards me through this entire time.  He drove me to the hospital in record time and even when I was telling him that I wanted to die because my pain was so intense (yes I am a drama queen) and even when I had blood all over and was barfing at the same time he still told me that he loved me and even said I was beautiful.  He's such a keeper.  love him. I mean look at that face- hubba hubba.

waiting....

oh my mercy, I'm so sick of waiting and being patient.  When I was taking my shots the days would move by so fast.  I would have three doctors appointment in a week- so I always had something to look forward to. I got my trans-vag ultrasound and lo and behold!!!!!!!  I HAD 2 FOLLICLES!   These follicles were beautiful.  There is something amazing while I'm looking at the ultra sound screen at what could potentially turn into a fetus and then into my child that I will hold in my arms.  But these follicles people- they were massive and they were just waiting to be ready to give me a baby!

With all those massive follicles we did our trigger shot, it's a pretty little glass vial that makes my eggs drop.  It gave me a welt this time, but it went down don't worry!  Whoever said having a baby was glamorous was surely mistaken!  (sorry this pic is nasty)

After this glorious day the doctor called and together we scheduled the days that Shaner and I got to have intercourse.  I use the word "got" because when you say you HHHAVVVEE to it isn't as romantic- (but let's be honest, it's not very romantic anyways since we have to plan it...).

A few days after this I went and got my blood work done to see if I ovulated.  Because that's the problem you see- i've never ovulated a day in my life... my LIFE!  And then, at 12:54pm my doctor calls and she sounds happy which makes me super giddy because I know it's good news.  I OVULATED!  Could it be true?  Could this actually work?  The doc said she wanted my progesterone level to be anywhere above a 2.5 and I was at a 29...a 29!!!!!!  I knew I had ovulated because I could feel it.  I was cramping and they weren't menstrual cramps (believe me- I know all about those types of cramps.. stupid PCOS).  But hearing that glorious number 29 and then picturing my two massive follicles- I was/am in heaven.

This is how my doctor ended the phone call: "Well my dear, either call me with a positive pregnancy test or call me when you get your period."

A pregnancy test??  I haven't taken one in ages.  I took a lot of pregnancy tests when Shane and I were first trying but it was because my period has a mind of it's own and I would realize that aunt flo hadn't been in for a visit in about three months... but alas, they were all negative!  But this time, I could actually take a test and it could potentially be positive!

She told me to wait a little while to test, but waiting is the worst part.  My problem?- sometimes my period won't come for 4 months!  So she gave me a specific day to test and it's still not for a little while... so I bought some cheapies and did a few tests early....

NEGATIVE!  BIG FAT NEGATIVES!

Haven't you ever heard those stories when women say they got a positive test three days after conception?! Why couldn't that be me?!  This is actually my own fault. My doctor told me not to take a test until a certain date and then a few days after that.  

Through all of this Shane is mr. calm, which is why we are the perfect balance.  He's the most patient person I've ever met and he just tells me to wait.  So now, i'll just wait.  Luckily, I know this will work someday soon.  So yes, I will be a little bummed if I'm not pregnant this time but we have found the right recipe to get my body a baby- that's something to celebrate!

all i want in life....

is a little babe that's the perfect combo of these two faces. 

drowsy and crazy.

I could sleep all day everyday.  These drugs are kicking my trash.  Also, if you have never ever ovulated before, and then all of the sudden the medicine you are taking is making you ovulate... it HURTS!  My ovaries are also kicking my trash.
I know, I know, waaaa whaaaaa whaaaa, i'm such a whiner, but for reals, i'm in a sleepy pain over here.
Can I also give a little lovey shout out to the man below?  The poor guy has to give me a shot every other day.  He mixes up the concoction and then pokes me.  I wince and whine because it feels like a really bad bee sting for about five minutes, but he never complains.
Lately, I've been finding myself apologizing for having a messed up reproductive system.  I mean, he could have very well married someone else and had a few babies by now.  I feel bad, like i'm not giving him a chance to be a father.  Of course, he dismisses everything I'm saying and asks me to be happy.  Isn't it sad how your mind messes with you when you're down?  It's bad enough that I can't get pregnant, but I literally think about how I'm somehow holding Shane back from being a dad.  I know Shaner would never think like that (because he's the most supportive guy ever), but it's always in the back of my mind.  Dear drugs, please make me happy and give me a fetus.  Or, if I'm not supposed to have my own babies please still make me happy and be at peace.  thanks.

Also, Pops doesn't mind my daily naps- in-fact she loves joining me!

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how to make a baby 101.

*not pictured, about five different kinds of vitamins as well as dexamethazone, ajestin, letrozole and levothyroxin.

Let's start with the basics, shall we?  

I'm keeping this blog so when I have a baby and he's 16 and being a punk I can show him how hard I worked to get him into this world.... that will work, right?

So I start my injections again on Thursday, but this time it's DOUBLE the fun!!!  So just imagine this picture x's2.  I have to do my shots around 6pm every other day.  So, poor Shane get's home from working all day and has to shoot up his wife!  Maybe this time it will work!!!  Maybe this will be my last period!  

My friend Shelly sent me this quote by Sister Holland:

"I have only three children and have wept that I could not have more. And I know that some of you without any have wept, too. And sometimes too many have simply been angry over the very subject itself. For the sake of our eternal motherhood, I plead that this not be so. Some women give birth and raise children but never “mother” them. Others, whom I love with all my heart, “mother” all their lives but have never given birth. And all of us are Eve’s daughters, whether we are married or single, maternal or barren. We are created in the image of the Gods to become gods and goddesses. And we can provide something of that divine pattern, that maternal prototype, for each other and for those who come after us. Whatever our circumstance, we can reach out, touch, hold, lift, and nurture—but we cannot do it in isolation. We need a community of sisters stilling the soul and binding the wounds of fragmentation."

I love this quote so much!  Heavenly Father gave me pretty fertile sister-in-laws who are giving me the BEST nieces and nephews!  I love being an aunt, so in a way, I'm already having the opportunity to be a mother figure for them.
Someday, some how i'll be a mom.  It's just not going to be as natural as others.

heart.break.

My heart hurts.  I'm not sure why I'm so sad- but the shots didn't work.  It's not like I thought 100% that they would but I guess there was always a part of me that thought it would.  My body would play tricks on me, my period didn't come and I did everything right!  Why?Why?Why?  To watch Shane be so sad and upset by it almost set me over the edge.  He is going to be the best dad someday.  I sometimes feel like he's getting the short end of the stick- i'm the one with the fertility issues.  He is so patient and kind- he just gets me.  He calms me down, he holds me and he assures me that one way or another we will be parents.  I just don't want to disappoint him.  

So, we are going to try again.  I'll take three different pills that will make me extremely irritable and tired and just hope that it works!  I'll double up on the shots and go to bed at 7pm.   

Here's the deal- i get to throw myself a pity party for a good 24-48 hours.  I'm allowed to be sad.  Don't say that my expectations are too high, or it took you a long time to get pregnant too.  Yeah, that's nice and all but how about, "Geez that sucks it didn't work!  Go get a bowl of ice cream and watch reality TV."  That's all I want to hear for a good two days until I pull myself together.  The thing is, there are people worse off than me, I get that, but I still get to be sad.

I've got eggs in there- now I just need them to cooperate.

Thank you for your happy/fertile vibes and words of encouragement.  I really do appreciate it... I just want to wallow for a little while.  So excuse me while I go eat my weight and feelings in Chick-Fil-A.

infertile myrtle updates

So this morning at 9am I went to the hospital to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound follicle study.  It sounds a lot scarier than it is.  All we wanted to do was see if anything is happening in there while i'm taking these injections!  I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect.  I wanted something to happen but then at the same time I didn't' want something to happen.  If I overstimulated then my injection days were over and then my only option would be in vitro- which is super expensive so we'd have to wait a little while.  And if nothing happened then I could always up my dose.  BUT I just wanted it to work this time!

So I went in and anxiously awaited the phone call from my doctor.  They had to take the ultrasound images and look at it to assess what they saw.  I got a call that there was a happy, active follicle!  I was so happy!  I've never ovulated so actually having someone tell me that there is a follicle that could be a potential baby made me so happy!  My doc wants to see a few more follicles so... that means more injections tonight and on Wednesday.  I have to remember, just because i have a follicle doesn't mean that it for sure will turn into a fetus, but we're a lot farther than we were before!

On Thursday i'll go in for another follicle study and then we'll see what will happen!

In other news, we went to Rexburg this weekend to see our good friend graduate!  Shane got a haircut and Poppy made a friend- Bauer Woodhouse!

 My nieces are the cutest... and this is what our babies are going to look like....  ?!W#$^%^

let the injections begin!

Today I had my very first injection.  I was so nervous- but it went great!  It stung a little bit and it made me a little sleepy... but if that's the only price I have to pay to have a baby- bring.it.on.

Shane gave me my shot and I was glad he was so willing to do so.  (I psych myself out).  

I have/get to take injections again on Thursday and Saturday, keep those fertile, happy vibes coming my way!  Can i just say how grateful I am for modern day medication.  It took my grandma 7 years to have her first baby- she just thought she would never have kids, and they had no way to tell her what was wrong.  Even though my thyroid is whacked and I have PCOS and I don't ovulate and my period is the worst- at least I know the problem so I can figure it out!

My sweet little sister was able to spend a few days at my house before she leaves for her mission!  I can't believe both of my sisters will be on missions- CRAZY!  Rissa leaves in a week to go to the Guatemala MTC and then onto Honduras to spread the glorious gospel of Christ.  What a gal!

Let's talk about how cute my puppy is.  She makes infertility just a little bit better.

bozeman

Last week I made my way up to Bozeman to visit my in-laws and to go to the doctor.  I had a really good time and I loved having a little vacation!  Shane wasn't going to come up because he had to work- hate being a grown up!  I had a fertility appointment on Thursday and I was really nervous.  They had to do a tube test and I heard it was really uncomfortable and that it hurts.  Shane was really bummed that he couldn't be there.  On Wednesday night I was watching a movie with his parents and all of the sudden Shane walked in the door at 11pm!  He had driven right after work from Utah all the way to Bozeman.  What a perfect husband!  I was so happy to see him and so happy that he was able to come to my fertility appointment with me!

Fertility Appointment:
I arrived at the hospital at 9 am to get my tubes checked.  The procedure was only about 30 minutes but I was so nervous.  I think I was nervous because of all the horror stories i've heard AND I was afraid of bad news.  If my tubes were blocked it could mean surgery OR automatically mean no babies!  I didn't want bad news: I just want to be a MOM!  Nonetheless, the appointment went great!  My tubes are clear.  Shane was so curious looking at the ultrasound and asking so many questions.  He was literally mesmerized- it was adorable to watch.  It made me so excited to have a baby because I know he will be right there with me and actually be enthusiastic about it!

So, the next step....
I am on a bunch of different medications and now I'll start doing injections in my stomach next week!  I'm crossing my fingers that it will work- but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up!  So send happy, fertile vibes my way for the next few weeks!

We also got to celebrate Shane's 27th birthday!  Can we please marvel at how adorable he was as a little baby?  I'm so grateful for my hardworking, loving husband!  Thank you for being born!

Jackson had to take a little potty break on the way home... I think this picture is hilarious since he LOVES peeing outside.  We also got to hang out with Chelsy and the kids.  They LOVED Poppy and had so much fun chasing her around.

Larry loved Poppy!- Rueben didn't love her very much, but they'll be friends someday.

Another one of Shane as a baby- dying!!

Shane and I hiked Pete's hill with the pups and his mom.   It was so nice out and Poppy loved interacting and socializing with the other dogs- even though she was super scared! 

waiting...

Sometimes waiting is the hardest part.  I have an appointment in Bozeman, Montana on the 28th of this month and i'm dying to get in there and get some new results or hash out a new plan!  So right now i'm waiting, waiting, waiting!  When I go in on the 28th we are doing an invasive tube check.  I am super nervous about this because if something's wrong- it might not be fixable OR it would mean intense surgery.  I hope and pray that if anything is wrong it's something little that we can clear up right away at the office visit.  The plan is- if everything goes well with this tube check i'll be taught how to give myself shots.  My doc said that this WILL work and it will get me pregnant- the only problem?- overstimulation... "John and Kate + 8" ring a bell?  What happens with these shots as far as I know....  I give them to myself in the stomach for about two weeks.  I'll then go get an ultrasound to see how many follicles have formed; each follicle is a potential baby!  After we see how many follicles have formed then we will know if Shane and I can proceed to "fertilize" the egg... let's be honest- Then we will get the red light to have sex and make a freakin baby!!!

So what could go wrong?
Since i've never ovulated before... in my entire life... (even with clomid which is supposed to make you ovulate like crazy) something called overstimulation could happen.  This is what happened to John and Kate +8.  For example, after i do my shots, I'll go to my ultra sound and see that there are 13 healthy follicles.... that means that potentially, all 13 of those follicles could turn into babies!  If this happens- Shane and I sleep in separate rooms (or just don't have sex) for two weeks.  I've already told my doctor that i'm not okay "scraping" a few eggs off after their fertilized... to me that's borderline abortion and I'm not okay that.  Many women do that when their over-stimilated.  I wish they could go scrape extra follicles before they're fertilized- but they can't!  BAH!
So, my doctor told me that Shane and I need to make a decision together as to how many follicles is too many?  I mean, if there are 5 follicles during my ultra sound- it doesn't mean that ALL five will take, but it could!  Can you imagine me with 5 little embryos in my tummy?!

All I want is a healthy child to call my own.  I'm excited for my appointment because it will give me answers and a plan.  If my tubes are bad then i'll go a different route.  And guess what- in the end i'll have a child at some point in my life.  Whether I adopt or whether I do invitro- i'm going to be a mom.

In other news- we got a puppy, and she's a good distraction from infertility- look at that face!

failure.

Sometimes things just don't work out.  You make a plan and have this life you envision for yourself and it just never happens.

For us-  We were going to start trying for a baby and be pregnant by January or February of 2012.  I was going to walk through graduation pregnant and then we'd move to Utah and then i'd have a baby and be a mom and have the perfect life.  Well days and months blended together and now i'm on what seems to be a million pills.  Every month I think "this will be the month!  I feel a little different this time!"  And each month i'm disappointed.  Today, my doctor called and said that the pills aren't working and that she has to hash out a new plan.

I wonder how long Shane and I will keep trying.  How many foreign pills should I be putting into my body. Now, we have to make the decision if we would choose in-vitro or adoption.  Sometimes things just don't work out.

What gets me through all of this is knowing that I will someday have a child- no matter what.  Maybe my stomach won't stretch to capacity, or my ankles won't swell up- I can still do Foster care, or be lucky enough to adopt!

I don't write this as a "wo is me" but because I'm sick of crying to Shane about it. I don't know how I got the most patient, loving husband- but I did.  I've felt so guilty because my body is the problem.  My body is the reason we don't have kids- not his.  Not once has he complained or blamed me.  Sheesh- i'm lucky.