We're having a baby!

It's true!  Sometimes Shane and I just look at each other and smile because we can't believe this is actually, finally happening!  We feel so many emotions of lucky, grateful, blessed, nervous, hopeful and everything else!  We are just so so happy!  After my miscarriage this summer I had been taking some time to re-coupe and get myself mentally ready to try again.  My miscarriage was difficult, painful and long.  I thought I would never stop bleeding!  Then finally, it stopped and I called my fertility doc.  He said he wanted to take a month and not be so aggressive but let's just try climid one more time just to ease my body back into the swing of things.  He did mention that he has seen some women miraculously be able to conceive easily after getting pregnant just once (even if it didn't result in a live birth).  I was bummed to take climid again because I've taken it so many times and IT DIDN"T WORK.  Nothing ever happened, it just made me moody.  I agreed to try it one last time, even though we were just doing it to give my body one last month of rest before all the hormone shots, ultra sounds and blood work.    

My doctor also recommended that I try using ovulation predictor kits.  I had never used them before because we knew that I didn't ovulate, and if I did, I went and got an ultra sound to show it.  They weren't super expensive so I went ahead and tried it.  This entire time I wasn't hopeful that anything would happen.  I didn't have a glimmer of hope in my mind because I had tried this route so many times and failed.  Well, one morning I got a positive on my ovulation kit.  I thought it was a fluke, but was excited anyways.  My fertility doctor gave Shane and I a schedule of times to "baby make" so we followed it.  We really didn't let ourselves get excited, but we did everything the doc said.  The nurse also told me when to take a pregnancy test.  The day before I was supposed to take my test I woke up at 5 am to use the rest room and thought- eh, mine as well take one since I'm up!  I put it on the counter after I took it and went back to bed.  I realized after I climbed in bed that I never checked it.  I debated if I should get up again and look and be disappointed, or just leave it to be discovered in the morning.  I decided to go check it, then if it was negative I could throw it away and Shane would never know.  WELL, I went back to look and there were 2 lines!  I freaked!  I jumped on Shane (who was still sleeping) and yelled "I'm pregnant!  It's positive!"  We were both so excited!  And now, here we are!  Today I'm 14 1/2 weeks, and to be honest... I've been pretty miserable.

I've never wanted to complain about pregnancy because it took me so long to get here, and I've met so many other people that are still trying.  I've been super tired and nauseous.  And I don't know where these boobs came from, but they're defiantly not mine.  I'm actually grateful for the pain and throwing up because it reminds me every day that there is a miracle growing inside me.  Yes, i'm miserable, but I'm going to be a mom, and I'll take that any day.

Right now I'm on bed rest for a little hemorrhage.  It's pretty common for it to happen and bed rest usually corrects itself.  It happens when the placenta pulls away from the uterine lining.  I had some light spotting for a couple of days and the ultra sound showed a little hemorrhage.  I was scared, but I saw the baby doing stretches, flips and sucking it's thumb- it was amazing.  I know this will heal right up and hopefully in a week I can be back on my feet!

Merry Christmas!

infertility problem #42

I get in these pinning moods, especially with baby stuff.  When secret boards were introduced- I immediately made a baby board and pinned away.  I pin stuff for "someday".  It's a sort of soothing process- it's gratifying but I don't know why.  It's probably pretty backwards that I can't have children but I can't stop pinning baby stuff.  But being a woman that can't have a baby is also pretty backwards.

infertile?  make a secret baby board- it made me feel better!

when i try to sleep

i've been having a hard time sleeping.
I know I'm tired but I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Whenever I try to fall asleep I try to start thinking about what I want to dream about.  Lately, I can't picture myself pregnant.  I can't picture a big stomach, swollen ankles, getting ultrasounds or even shopping for baby stuff.  Then, I start thinking about that becoming a reality.  Maybe I can't have kids so this is my subconscious telling me I can't.  But then, I start thinking about it and then I literally don't sleep.
The past weeks I've been having some major cramping.  Like wake me up in the middle of the night, fetal position, rocking back and forth, making me sweat cramps.  It throws me into a nightmare because it feels just like my miscarriage.  EXACTLY like my miscarriage.  It frightens me.  I know i'm not pregnant, so I know it's not a miscarriage, but it's just keeping that idea so fresh in my mind.  The days that I used to long about having a child are starting to fade away and that scares me.  I think i've become emotionally drained and now that I can't picture myself having a child, why do I invest so much in it.
It's so much more than a financials strain, it's mental, physical and so emotional.  It's brought Shane and I closer together, but at the same time I feel like there are parts that we've become numb about.  Where we are (Utah) we feel like we are out of the norm.  We're both graduated with big people jobs and we don't have kids.  I feel like it's a natural step in life for us to start having children and we're ready.
I trust the path I'm on.  I trust that what will happen- will happen.  I trust heavenly father.
I trust my relationship with Shane.

fingers crossed

I hate these pills.  I hate thinking about remembering to take one each morning.  

They're chalk-y and they make me itch.  

I hate how they start to dissolve on my tongue. 

 They taste so bad... as if trying to make the process of this whole ordeal even worse then it is.  

They stare at me.  Sitting on my nightstand, watching me sleep. 

 I fall asleep looking at them and wake up looking at them.  

And, ps... does it seem like EVERYONE is pregnant?  

hey little stupid clomid pill.... hows about you make me pregnant too?