Sunday, June 23, 2013

when you're pregnant... and then not

I wasn't sure exactly how to title this post because everything seemed so dramatic or gruesome.  So I decided to title it exactly like how it happened... I was pregnant and then I wasn't anymore.  I'm also not going to go through and re-read it and edit it, so sorry if there are typos or if it seems jumbled- I just wanted to get it out of my head!

On June 9th I woke up at 6:30am to go to the bathroom.  I had been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms including excessive peeing!  I was nauseous and my boobs were really sensitive.  My doctor told me to take a test on the 8th or 9th but I was so nervous!  Could I handle if it was negative?  What if it was positive.  I hated that there was so much riding on this one test.  I read and re-read the instructions over and over to make sure I was doing it right.  I took the test and set my phone timer to three minutes and tried.. oh I TREID SO HARD not to look at the test until the three minutes was over.  After 30 seconds a faint line appeared...
I flipped out.  Was this for real, was i really pregnant?  Was this test wrong?  Was it a false positive?  Is the line supposed to be darker?  I had a billion questions.  Of course, it was early on a Sunday and Shane was fast asleep and even when I jumped in bed it took him a while to figure out what was going on.  (I did have a plan to wait and tell him in an adorable, cute way but I just couldn't wait!)
Fast forward.  I was literally on cloud 9!  I was so happy all of Sunday.  On Monday I got blood work done and it confirmed I was pregnant!  My HcG level was around a 50.  They just want the number to double every other day.  On Wednesday my level was at 168.  The doctor was happy with how things were progressing and I had another appointment to test my level on Monday, the 17th.  All week I was so happy.  I couldn't believe that I was pregnant!  I started looking at stroller reviews and looking at apartment complexes around us that have two bedrooms.  I downloaded pregnancy apps and found out my due date was on Valentines day!
I also learned all about due dates and how they count from your last period.  So interesting! 
On Monday I woke up early to get my blood work done before I went to work.  I was expecting all was well and my doc called me with the results and told me that my number was 472... and she wanted it to be around a 900.  She told me that she was sorry, but it wasn't good news.  She wanted me to get an ultra sound soon to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby is stuck in my tubes).  She told me to find an OB in Utah (Im using a fertility doctor in Montana) and get an ultrasound done asap. I was devastated.   I cried all day and was so depressed.  I try to give myself a 24 hour time period to be sad and then move on.

I don't have an OB here in Utah but I have been researching them extensively and had a top 5 list.  Of course, all of these doctors had a two month waiting list.  I finally found some random guy in South Jordan who had an opening on Tuesday, 6/18.  I took the appointment and told him what was going on and asked him for an ultrasound.  He refused.  He thought my numbers were okay and set up an appointment two weeks later so we could "take a look at the healthy heartbeat and baby."  I was ticked.  He wouldn't give me an ultrasound and he really didn't' know my story.  I decided to just go a long with it.  I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't in pain.  My fertility doctor told me to keep her updated.

Friday morning, 6/21, I woke up at 5am in immense pain.  (I was about 6 weeks at this point. )  I feel like i'm pretty tough, I've had bad cramps before, but this was on a totally different level.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I had rushing blood.  I immediately knew I was having a miscarriage.  I thought about trying to lay down to see if the pain would go away but I could tell that it was only going to get worse.  I yelled at Shane that I was having a miscarriage.  He rolls over in bed and is like "What?"  I, in a not so nice way, told him that he needed to take me to the ER.  

He drove like a crazy person and we got to the hospital in record time!  I was still bleeding pretty heavily and I literally have never been in so much pain.  I started vomiting and I remember feeling like such a mess.  I was in a robe that opened in the back, I was bleeding all over, It was 5am so I already looked like sunshine and now I was barfing.  How Shane will ever find me attractive and and want to attempt to make another baby with me again- i'll never know.

The doctors came in and took some tests.  Lots of blood work and then they gave me an IV.  They finally gave me some zofran which made my naseua subside and some narcotics so I would stop telling Shane "I just want to die"  (I honestly have never been in that much pain)
Here I am after the narcotics had made it's way into my body:  Sorry there was no before picture!

I got a few ultrasounds done and there was no baby to be found!  I was actually really happy about this because then I wouldn't have to have surgery to remove my baby.  I had already had time to process that I wasn't pregnant anymore- so mentally I was totally fine.  We were happy that the baby was leaving my body naturally.   

I was sent home with some Percocet and nausea medication and was on bed rest for a few days.  I popped narcotics and downed gatorade all day Friday.  I literally slept all day and night- it was wonderful.  On Saturday I also slept almost all day.  I took my last pain pill at about 1pm and haven't looked back since!  

Today, Sunday, 6/23, I am up eating food and even taught Relief Society!  I feel so much better and I feel like I'm in a really good place.  My body was able to get pregnant- I didn't know if that could happen.  I learned at the hospital that 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage- so I was just getting my one out of the way.  Hopefully after my body heals I can start trying again.  Taking a few months off to get my body back to normal and to just be emotionally happy for a little while.

 The nightstand of a miscarriage patient.

I just want to give a shout-out to the Shane man.  He has been so patient and loving towards me through this entire time.  He drove me to the hospital in record time and even when I was telling him that I wanted to die because my pain was so intense (yes I am a drama queen) and even when I had blood all over and was barfing at the same time he still told me that he loved me and even said I was beautiful.  He's such a keeper.  love him. I mean look at that face- hubba hubba.


  1. KC, you are a beautiful person. I love following your story. You still have so much hope inside of you and you help to inspire all of us. I really look up to you. You are wonderful and will be such a great mother someday. And Shane is a gem. What a lucky girl. Sorry about the miscarriage. No one ever talks about them, so I don't know what one would be like. Thanks for sharing with me. We pray for you.

    1. Thanks Jolyn! I have had a hard time finding info/ peoples stories about miscarriages so I decided to share my own! Thanks for the prayers- hopefully next time will be the charm!

  2. You and Shane are amazing! I admire you both for your positive attitudes. You are both going to be great parents.

    1. Thanks Sarah- Crossing our fingers that next time will work!

  3. KC I am in awe of how strong you are. I know this must be so hard, and you keep pushing forward through it all. I'm so glad you and Shane have each other. I am praying for you and sending lots of love your way.

  4. KC you are awesome for sharing this story! I just had a miscarriage myself and I found it helpful to read your story. I was about 8 weeks pregnant and went in for my first appointment hoping to hear great news and see the heartbeat of our baby but there was none to be found. It was pretty shocking because I hadn't felt any pain or had any bleeding. We we shocked and pretty sad and disappointed that day. I cried pretty much the rest of the day. The Doc wanted us to wait for my body to take care of things naturally, so we waited about 3 weeks but my body didn't do anything. I ended up needing a D&C. I am on the mend and we are looking forward to starting again.
    I wish you all the luck in the world in your efforts to get pregnant. I know the Lord will bless you as you continually follow him and do your part.
    Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Lauren

  5. I love your positive outlook on all of this! You are so strong and I admire you so much! Your story made me cry and I hope and pray that you two will get your sweet baby soon - you deserve it. Love ya KC!