27 Weeks!

How far along: 27 weeks

Size of baby:  cucumber! 

Total weight gain/loss:  + 12 pounds!

Maternity clothes:  Yes!  I've also gotten a belly band so I can wear my pre- maternity pants un buttoned which for some reason gives me a really big boost of self esteem!

Stretch marks: Nope!  Hallelujah!

Sleep:  Lately this boy wakes up around 6:45 AM and punches my side foreverrrrrrr and then likes to do the same thing at 12:30 AM.

Best moment(s) last week:  sitting in bed for what seems like an hour and just watch my stomach smiling at it.  It's the time that I just spend with him just chillin.

Movement:  YES!  Wakes me up nice and early.  Shane can feel him all the time AND we are seeing him kick from the outside!

Food cravings:  SUBWAY.  SUSHI. GATORADE

Gender:  BOY!

Belly button - in or out:  In so far, we are on the verge of the pop though

What I miss:  Being able to take a deep breath!  He likes to sit up nice and high at certain points of the day and I can't catch my breath.

What I am looking forward to:  Third trimester!

Milestones:  Wore a pair of pre-pregnany pants this week!

26 Weeks!

How I really feel....

How far along: 26 weeks

Size of baby:  eggplant

Total weight gain/loss:  + 10 pounds!

Maternity clothes:  Yes!  And loving these maxi skirts now that it's getting warmer!

Stretch marks: Not yet... but my belly button is stretched to capacity... stretch marks are a comin!

Sleep:  Off and on.  I'm doing hypobabies for my delivery so I listen to my tracks at night and sleep like a baby!

Best moment(s) last week:  Seeing baby boy on the ultra sound machine.  He's so healthy and perfect!

Movement:  YES!  Wakes me up nice and early.  Shane can feel him all the time AND we are seeing him kick from the outside!

Food cravings:  SUBWAY.  I can pack a foot long.  not joking.  AND Lil debbies

Gender:  BOY!

Belly button - in or out:  In so far, we are on the verge of the pop though

What I miss:  Walking without a waddle and being able to get up from sitting down and not looking like I'm 103.

What I am looking forward to:  Third trimester!

Milestones:  I had 2 days this week where I didn't take a soak in the tub.... is that good?

23 Weeks!

Ugg, embarrassing selfies.

How far along: 23 weeks

Size of baby:  an ear of corn

Total weight gain/loss:  +7 pounds!

Maternity clothes:  Yes. I really like full panel maternity pants!  

Stretch marks: No!  Coconut oil all day every day, but I have a feeling they will be in full force at some point.

Sleep:  The worst. Pregnancy pillow is helping, but I am having the worst nightmares.

Best moment(s) last week:  Sitting throughout sacrament meeting while Shane and I each have our hands on my tummy feeling this baby boy move!  We are grinning from ear to ear.

Movement:  Yes!  He is moving so much.  He's gotten his hand or foot caught up in my ribs once or twice.  It's fun to see how much stronger he gets each week.

Food cravings:  SUBWAY.  I can pack a foot long.  not joking.

Gender:  BOY!

Belly button - in or out:  In... half way.  The top part couldn't hold itself in any more and so i'm an half innie, half outtie right now.

What I miss:  Feeling less achey.  By 5 pm my back is killing me and my crotch hurts.  It's really great.

What I am looking forward to:  Going to Rexburg this weekend!

Milestones:  I'm officially starting my 6th month of pregnancy! 

poppy loves the baby.

I've always heard that animals can sense when you are sick, pregnant... or if something else is up.  Poppy is defiantly on top of things.  She knew I was pregnant right away.  She has to see me at all times, she enjoys sleeping on my tummy or very close to me and when I have bad days she doesn't mind sleeping all day with me!
When I was on bed rest, Poppy was on bed rest.  I don't mean to sound like an obsessive dog person... but they really are the best!

just some of the MANY times poppy has decided to watch over me.

21 weeks!

How far along: 21 weeks

Size of baby:  a spaghetti squash

Total weight gain/loss:  +6 pounds!

Maternity clothes:  Yes.  H&M maternity leggings are my current favorite, while wearing Shane's t-shirts.

Stretch marks:  Not yet, but lets talk about the hair that's growing all over my tummy.  I have little peach fuzz everywhere- hormones are a wonderful thing.

Sleep:  The worst.  I have a hard time falling and staying asleep. 

Best moment(s) last week:  Baby boy kicked me back when I had my hand on my stomach.

Movement:  Yes!  every single day I feel this little guy move.  Lately it's him stretching where I feel it up in my rib cage on the right side and down in my pelvis on the left side.

Food cravings:  Lately- little Debbie valentine cakes and a bagel, egg and raspberry jam sandwich!

Gender:  BOY!

Belly button - in or out:  In... half way.  The top part couldn't hold itself in any more and so i'm an half innie, half outtie right now.

What I miss:  Not feeling exhausted/winded.  I'll go to target for 30 minutes and I literally want to take a nap in my car before I drive home.

What I am looking forward to:  buying baby stuff!  We bought our stroller/carseat combo last night because the one I want was on sale!  :)!

Milestones:  I'm off bed rest!  My hemorrhage is completely re-absorbed so I'm up and about as much as my doc will let me.  It's still a good feeling :)

well...

We found out this morning that we are having a boy!  The ultra sound tech put her wand on my stomach and boom!  There was this image- my boy ain't shy!  We are seriously so happy.  Now I can start planning more and we can think about names and color schemes!  The baby was looking healthy- and was moving a whole bunch.  I just can't believe this guy is growing inside me!  I'm just so happy!!!

17 Weeks!

How far along: 17 weeks

Size of baby:  A sweet potato 

Total weight gain/loss:  1 pound!

Maternity clothes:  Yes.  These stretchy pants are the greatest.... jeans have never been this comfortable.

Stretch marks:  Nope, but I'm just starting to show.  I lather coconut oil all over every day, hope it helps... but i've heard it's all genetic.

Sleep:  It used to be horrible, BUT Shane got me a pregnancy pillow- heaven on earth!

Best moment(s) last week:  starting to feel baby flutters!

Movement:  The past couple of days it feels like there is a butterfly in my stomach.  So, I say I'm feeling flutters, but who knows.

Food cravings:  Yuck, food.  My sickness has gotten better, although red meat still makes me dry heave, even if I see it on a commercial. 

Gender:  We find out January 10th!  Every day I feel like the baby is something different.  I can't wait to stop calling the baby "it"

Belly button - in or out:  In. 

What I miss:  Not feeling sick, being able to move around.  Bed rest is boring, especially since I'm starting to feel better.

What I am looking forward to:  Being done with Bed rest!!!  Who knows when that will happen.

Milestones:  I'm well into the second trimester! YAY!

We're having a baby!

It's true!  Sometimes Shane and I just look at each other and smile because we can't believe this is actually, finally happening!  We feel so many emotions of lucky, grateful, blessed, nervous, hopeful and everything else!  We are just so so happy!  After my miscarriage this summer I had been taking some time to re-coupe and get myself mentally ready to try again.  My miscarriage was difficult, painful and long.  I thought I would never stop bleeding!  Then finally, it stopped and I called my fertility doc.  He said he wanted to take a month and not be so aggressive but let's just try climid one more time just to ease my body back into the swing of things.  He did mention that he has seen some women miraculously be able to conceive easily after getting pregnant just once (even if it didn't result in a live birth).  I was bummed to take climid again because I've taken it so many times and IT DIDN"T WORK.  Nothing ever happened, it just made me moody.  I agreed to try it one last time, even though we were just doing it to give my body one last month of rest before all the hormone shots, ultra sounds and blood work.    

My doctor also recommended that I try using ovulation predictor kits.  I had never used them before because we knew that I didn't ovulate, and if I did, I went and got an ultra sound to show it.  They weren't super expensive so I went ahead and tried it.  This entire time I wasn't hopeful that anything would happen.  I didn't have a glimmer of hope in my mind because I had tried this route so many times and failed.  Well, one morning I got a positive on my ovulation kit.  I thought it was a fluke, but was excited anyways.  My fertility doctor gave Shane and I a schedule of times to "baby make" so we followed it.  We really didn't let ourselves get excited, but we did everything the doc said.  The nurse also told me when to take a pregnancy test.  The day before I was supposed to take my test I woke up at 5 am to use the rest room and thought- eh, mine as well take one since I'm up!  I put it on the counter after I took it and went back to bed.  I realized after I climbed in bed that I never checked it.  I debated if I should get up again and look and be disappointed, or just leave it to be discovered in the morning.  I decided to go check it, then if it was negative I could throw it away and Shane would never know.  WELL, I went back to look and there were 2 lines!  I freaked!  I jumped on Shane (who was still sleeping) and yelled "I'm pregnant!  It's positive!"  We were both so excited!  And now, here we are!  Today I'm 14 1/2 weeks, and to be honest... I've been pretty miserable.

I've never wanted to complain about pregnancy because it took me so long to get here, and I've met so many other people that are still trying.  I've been super tired and nauseous.  And I don't know where these boobs came from, but they're defiantly not mine.  I'm actually grateful for the pain and throwing up because it reminds me every day that there is a miracle growing inside me.  Yes, i'm miserable, but I'm going to be a mom, and I'll take that any day.

Right now I'm on bed rest for a little hemorrhage.  It's pretty common for it to happen and bed rest usually corrects itself.  It happens when the placenta pulls away from the uterine lining.  I had some light spotting for a couple of days and the ultra sound showed a little hemorrhage.  I was scared, but I saw the baby doing stretches, flips and sucking it's thumb- it was amazing.  I know this will heal right up and hopefully in a week I can be back on my feet!

Merry Christmas!

infertility problem #42

I get in these pinning moods, especially with baby stuff.  When secret boards were introduced- I immediately made a baby board and pinned away.  I pin stuff for "someday".  It's a sort of soothing process- it's gratifying but I don't know why.  It's probably pretty backwards that I can't have children but I can't stop pinning baby stuff.  But being a woman that can't have a baby is also pretty backwards.

infertile?  make a secret baby board- it made me feel better!

when i try to sleep

i've been having a hard time sleeping.
I know I'm tired but I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Whenever I try to fall asleep I try to start thinking about what I want to dream about.  Lately, I can't picture myself pregnant.  I can't picture a big stomach, swollen ankles, getting ultrasounds or even shopping for baby stuff.  Then, I start thinking about that becoming a reality.  Maybe I can't have kids so this is my subconscious telling me I can't.  But then, I start thinking about it and then I literally don't sleep.
The past weeks I've been having some major cramping.  Like wake me up in the middle of the night, fetal position, rocking back and forth, making me sweat cramps.  It throws me into a nightmare because it feels just like my miscarriage.  EXACTLY like my miscarriage.  It frightens me.  I know i'm not pregnant, so I know it's not a miscarriage, but it's just keeping that idea so fresh in my mind.  The days that I used to long about having a child are starting to fade away and that scares me.  I think i've become emotionally drained and now that I can't picture myself having a child, why do I invest so much in it.
It's so much more than a financials strain, it's mental, physical and so emotional.  It's brought Shane and I closer together, but at the same time I feel like there are parts that we've become numb about.  Where we are (Utah) we feel like we are out of the norm.  We're both graduated with big people jobs and we don't have kids.  I feel like it's a natural step in life for us to start having children and we're ready.
I trust the path I'm on.  I trust that what will happen- will happen.  I trust heavenly father.
I trust my relationship with Shane.

when it goes ectopic....kind of

a little update....
So I have been going in regularly to get my blood drawn to check my HcG levels.  At my ER visit last Friday I was already down to a 115- so I thought I was on the road to being officially not pregnant.  On Thursday I went in and got another blood draw.  My poor arms are bruised from all this blood work.  I got my results back at about 5:30 pm and my HcG number was going up.  It was now at a 272- not good.  My doctor said that the pregnancy was somewhere, just not in the right spot.  She explained that there is no way there is  a healthy baby in my tummy, but that I'd have to get a shot of methotrexate.  So, even though they're not exactly sure where this pregnancy is- they're still classifying it "ectopic".  What a horrible sounding word!

I text my mom a picture of my arm every time I get blood work done- she always replies and tells me how tough I am!

I was a little bummed about this because of course I had googled this earlier and heard horror stories about this shot.  It's actually used for cancer patients because the shot attacks fast growing cells.  A pregnancy is a fast growing cell- so it does it's job goooood!  My doctor said since my number is still low I'd probably only need one shot- thank heavens!  This would make me have about zero side effects (aka- no hair loss!) so I was feeling okay about the shots.

I had to have the shots in my bum cheeks- cute huh?  One in each cheek for proper dispersement.   If this pregnancy has taught me anything- it's that pregnancy is not glamorous. I've also gotten less embarrassed because I've realized that these OBGYN's have seen it all.

When I found out where the shots were going... 

So now I have three more blood checks this week- Monday, Wednesday and Friday to see if my number is going down.  Cross your fingers that it does so I don't need anymore "bum shots!"  

when you're pregnant... and then not

I wasn't sure exactly how to title this post because everything seemed so dramatic or gruesome.  So I decided to title it exactly like how it happened... I was pregnant and then I wasn't anymore.  I'm also not going to go through and re-read it and edit it, so sorry if there are typos or if it seems jumbled- I just wanted to get it out of my head!

On June 9th I woke up at 6:30am to go to the bathroom.  I had been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms including excessive peeing!  I was nauseous and my boobs were really sensitive.  My doctor told me to take a test on the 8th or 9th but I was so nervous!  Could I handle if it was negative?  What if it was positive.  I hated that there was so much riding on this one test.  I read and re-read the instructions over and over to make sure I was doing it right.  I took the test and set my phone timer to three minutes and tried.. oh I TREID SO HARD not to look at the test until the three minutes was over.  After 30 seconds a faint line appeared...
I flipped out.  Was this for real, was i really pregnant?  Was this test wrong?  Was it a false positive?  Is the line supposed to be darker?  I had a billion questions.  Of course, it was early on a Sunday and Shane was fast asleep and even when I jumped in bed it took him a while to figure out what was going on.  (I did have a plan to wait and tell him in an adorable, cute way but I just couldn't wait!)

Fast forward.  I was literally on cloud 9!  I was so happy all of Sunday.  On Monday I got blood work done and it confirmed I was pregnant!  My HcG level was around a 50.  They just want the number to double every other day.  On Wednesday my level was at 168.  The doctor was happy with how things were progressing and I had another appointment to test my level on Monday, the 17th.  All week I was so happy.  I couldn't believe that I was pregnant!  I started looking at stroller reviews and looking at apartment complexes around us that have two bedrooms.  I downloaded pregnancy apps and found out my due date was on Valentines day!

I also learned all about due dates and how they count from your last period.  So interesting! 

On Monday I woke up early to get my blood work done before I went to work.  I was expecting all was well and my doc called me with the results and told me that my number was 472... and she wanted it to be around a 900.  She told me that she was sorry, but it wasn't good news.  She wanted me to get an ultra sound soon to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby is stuck in my tubes).  She told me to find an OB in Utah (Im using a fertility doctor in Montana) and get an ultrasound done asap. I was devastated.   I cried all day and was so depressed.  I try to give myself a 24 hour time period to be sad and then move on.

I don't have an OB here in Utah but I have been researching them extensively and had a top 5 list.  Of course, all of these doctors had a two month waiting list.  I finally found some random guy in South Jordan who had an opening on Tuesday, 6/18.  I took the appointment and told him what was going on and asked him for an ultrasound.  He refused.  He thought my numbers were okay and set up an appointment two weeks later so we could "take a look at the healthy heartbeat and baby."  I was ticked.  He wouldn't give me an ultrasound and he really didn't' know my story.  I decided to just go a long with it.  I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't in pain.  My fertility doctor told me to keep her updated.

Friday morning, 6/21, I woke up at 5am in immense pain.  (I was about 6 weeks at this point. )  I feel like i'm pretty tough, I've had bad cramps before, but this was on a totally different level.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I had rushing blood.  I immediately knew I was having a miscarriage.  I thought about trying to lay down to see if the pain would go away but I could tell that it was only going to get worse.  I yelled at Shane that I was having a miscarriage.  He rolls over in bed and is like "What?"  I, in a not so nice way, told him that he needed to take me to the ER.  

He drove like a crazy person and we got to the hospital in record time!  I was still bleeding pretty heavily and I literally have never been in so much pain.  I started vomiting and I remember feeling like such a mess.  I was in a robe that opened in the back, I was bleeding all over, It was 5am so I already looked like sunshine and now I was barfing.  How Shane will ever find me attractive and and want to attempt to make another baby with me again- i'll never know.

The doctors came in and took some tests.  Lots of blood work and then they gave me an IV.  They finally gave me some zofran which made my naseua subside and some narcotics so I would stop telling Shane "I just want to die"  (I honestly have never been in that much pain)

Here I am after the narcotics had made it's way into my body:  Sorry there was no before picture!

I got a few ultrasounds done and there was no baby to be found!  I was actually really happy about this because then I wouldn't have to have surgery to remove my baby.  I had already had time to process that I wasn't pregnant anymore- so mentally I was totally fine.  We were happy that the baby was leaving my body naturally.   

I was sent home with some Percocet and nausea medication and was on bed rest for a few days.  I popped narcotics and downed gatorade all day Friday.  I literally slept all day and night- it was wonderful.  On Saturday I also slept almost all day.  I took my last pain pill at about 1pm and haven't looked back since!  

Today, Sunday, 6/23, I am up eating food and even taught Relief Society!  I feel so much better and I feel like I'm in a really good place.  My body was able to get pregnant- I didn't know if that could happen.  I learned at the hospital that 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage- so I was just getting my one out of the way.  Hopefully after my body heals I can start trying again.  Taking a few months off to get my body back to normal and to just be emotionally happy for a little while.

 The nightstand of a miscarriage patient.

I just want to give a shout-out to the Shane man.  He has been so patient and loving towards me through this entire time.  He drove me to the hospital in record time and even when I was telling him that I wanted to die because my pain was so intense (yes I am a drama queen) and even when I had blood all over and was barfing at the same time he still told me that he loved me and even said I was beautiful.  He's such a keeper.  love him. I mean look at that face- hubba hubba.

waiting....

oh my mercy, I'm so sick of waiting and being patient.  When I was taking my shots the days would move by so fast.  I would have three doctors appointment in a week- so I always had something to look forward to. I got my trans-vag ultrasound and lo and behold!!!!!!!  I HAD 2 FOLLICLES!   These follicles were beautiful.  There is something amazing while I'm looking at the ultra sound screen at what could potentially turn into a fetus and then into my child that I will hold in my arms.  But these follicles people- they were massive and they were just waiting to be ready to give me a baby!

With all those massive follicles we did our trigger shot, it's a pretty little glass vial that makes my eggs drop.  It gave me a welt this time, but it went down don't worry!  Whoever said having a baby was glamorous was surely mistaken!  (sorry this pic is nasty)

After this glorious day the doctor called and together we scheduled the days that Shaner and I got to have intercourse.  I use the word "got" because when you say you HHHAVVVEE to it isn't as romantic- (but let's be honest, it's not very romantic anyways since we have to plan it...).

A few days after this I went and got my blood work done to see if I ovulated.  Because that's the problem you see- i've never ovulated a day in my life... my LIFE!  And then, at 12:54pm my doctor calls and she sounds happy which makes me super giddy because I know it's good news.  I OVULATED!  Could it be true?  Could this actually work?  The doc said she wanted my progesterone level to be anywhere above a 2.5 and I was at a 29...a 29!!!!!!  I knew I had ovulated because I could feel it.  I was cramping and they weren't menstrual cramps (believe me- I know all about those types of cramps.. stupid PCOS).  But hearing that glorious number 29 and then picturing my two massive follicles- I was/am in heaven.

This is how my doctor ended the phone call: "Well my dear, either call me with a positive pregnancy test or call me when you get your period."

A pregnancy test??  I haven't taken one in ages.  I took a lot of pregnancy tests when Shane and I were first trying but it was because my period has a mind of it's own and I would realize that aunt flo hadn't been in for a visit in about three months... but alas, they were all negative!  But this time, I could actually take a test and it could potentially be positive!

She told me to wait a little while to test, but waiting is the worst part.  My problem?- sometimes my period won't come for 4 months!  So she gave me a specific day to test and it's still not for a little while... so I bought some cheapies and did a few tests early....

NEGATIVE!  BIG FAT NEGATIVES!

Haven't you ever heard those stories when women say they got a positive test three days after conception?! Why couldn't that be me?!  This is actually my own fault. My doctor told me not to take a test until a certain date and then a few days after that.  

Through all of this Shane is mr. calm, which is why we are the perfect balance.  He's the most patient person I've ever met and he just tells me to wait.  So now, i'll just wait.  Luckily, I know this will work someday soon.  So yes, I will be a little bummed if I'm not pregnant this time but we have found the right recipe to get my body a baby- that's something to celebrate!

all i want in life....

is a little babe that's the perfect combo of these two faces. 

drowsy and crazy.

I could sleep all day everyday.  These drugs are kicking my trash.  Also, if you have never ever ovulated before, and then all of the sudden the medicine you are taking is making you ovulate... it HURTS!  My ovaries are also kicking my trash.
I know, I know, waaaa whaaaaa whaaaa, i'm such a whiner, but for reals, i'm in a sleepy pain over here.
Can I also give a little lovey shout out to the man below?  The poor guy has to give me a shot every other day.  He mixes up the concoction and then pokes me.  I wince and whine because it feels like a really bad bee sting for about five minutes, but he never complains.
Lately, I've been finding myself apologizing for having a messed up reproductive system.  I mean, he could have very well married someone else and had a few babies by now.  I feel bad, like i'm not giving him a chance to be a father.  Of course, he dismisses everything I'm saying and asks me to be happy.  Isn't it sad how your mind messes with you when you're down?  It's bad enough that I can't get pregnant, but I literally think about how I'm somehow holding Shane back from being a dad.  I know Shaner would never think like that (because he's the most supportive guy ever), but it's always in the back of my mind.  Dear drugs, please make me happy and give me a fetus.  Or, if I'm not supposed to have my own babies please still make me happy and be at peace.  thanks.

Also, Pops doesn't mind my daily naps- in-fact she loves joining me!

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how to make a baby 101.

*not pictured, about five different kinds of vitamins as well as dexamethazone, ajestin, letrozole and levothyroxin.

Let's start with the basics, shall we?  

I'm keeping this blog so when I have a baby and he's 16 and being a punk I can show him how hard I worked to get him into this world.... that will work, right?

So I start my injections again on Thursday, but this time it's DOUBLE the fun!!!  So just imagine this picture x's2.  I have to do my shots around 6pm every other day.  So, poor Shane get's home from working all day and has to shoot up his wife!  Maybe this time it will work!!!  Maybe this will be my last period!  

My friend Shelly sent me this quote by Sister Holland:

"I have only three children and have wept that I could not have more. And I know that some of you without any have wept, too. And sometimes too many have simply been angry over the very subject itself. For the sake of our eternal motherhood, I plead that this not be so. Some women give birth and raise children but never “mother” them. Others, whom I love with all my heart, “mother” all their lives but have never given birth. And all of us are Eve’s daughters, whether we are married or single, maternal or barren. We are created in the image of the Gods to become gods and goddesses. And we can provide something of that divine pattern, that maternal prototype, for each other and for those who come after us. Whatever our circumstance, we can reach out, touch, hold, lift, and nurture—but we cannot do it in isolation. We need a community of sisters stilling the soul and binding the wounds of fragmentation."

I love this quote so much!  Heavenly Father gave me pretty fertile sister-in-laws who are giving me the BEST nieces and nephews!  I love being an aunt, so in a way, I'm already having the opportunity to be a mother figure for them.
Someday, some how i'll be a mom.  It's just not going to be as natural as others.

let the injections begin!

Today I had my very first injection.  I was so nervous- but it went great!  It stung a little bit and it made me a little sleepy... but if that's the only price I have to pay to have a baby- bring.it.on.

Shane gave me my shot and I was glad he was so willing to do so.  (I psych myself out).  

I have/get to take injections again on Thursday and Saturday, keep those fertile, happy vibes coming my way!  Can i just say how grateful I am for modern day medication.  It took my grandma 7 years to have her first baby- she just thought she would never have kids, and they had no way to tell her what was wrong.  Even though my thyroid is whacked and I have PCOS and I don't ovulate and my period is the worst- at least I know the problem so I can figure it out!

My sweet little sister was able to spend a few days at my house before she leaves for her mission!  I can't believe both of my sisters will be on missions- CRAZY!  Rissa leaves in a week to go to the Guatemala MTC and then onto Honduras to spread the glorious gospel of Christ.  What a gal!

Let's talk about how cute my puppy is.  She makes infertility just a little bit better.

waiting...

Sometimes waiting is the hardest part.  I have an appointment in Bozeman, Montana on the 28th of this month and i'm dying to get in there and get some new results or hash out a new plan!  So right now i'm waiting, waiting, waiting!  When I go in on the 28th we are doing an invasive tube check.  I am super nervous about this because if something's wrong- it might not be fixable OR it would mean intense surgery.  I hope and pray that if anything is wrong it's something little that we can clear up right away at the office visit.  The plan is- if everything goes well with this tube check i'll be taught how to give myself shots.  My doc said that this WILL work and it will get me pregnant- the only problem?- overstimulation... "John and Kate + 8" ring a bell?  What happens with these shots as far as I know....  I give them to myself in the stomach for about two weeks.  I'll then go get an ultrasound to see how many follicles have formed; each follicle is a potential baby!  After we see how many follicles have formed then we will know if Shane and I can proceed to "fertilize" the egg... let's be honest- Then we will get the red light to have sex and make a freakin baby!!!

So what could go wrong?
Since i've never ovulated before... in my entire life... (even with clomid which is supposed to make you ovulate like crazy) something called overstimulation could happen.  This is what happened to John and Kate +8.  For example, after i do my shots, I'll go to my ultra sound and see that there are 13 healthy follicles.... that means that potentially, all 13 of those follicles could turn into babies!  If this happens- Shane and I sleep in separate rooms (or just don't have sex) for two weeks.  I've already told my doctor that i'm not okay "scraping" a few eggs off after their fertilized... to me that's borderline abortion and I'm not okay that.  Many women do that when their over-stimilated.  I wish they could go scrape extra follicles before they're fertilized- but they can't!  BAH!
So, my doctor told me that Shane and I need to make a decision together as to how many follicles is too many?  I mean, if there are 5 follicles during my ultra sound- it doesn't mean that ALL five will take, but it could!  Can you imagine me with 5 little embryos in my tummy?!

All I want is a healthy child to call my own.  I'm excited for my appointment because it will give me answers and a plan.  If my tubes are bad then i'll go a different route.  And guess what- in the end i'll have a child at some point in my life.  Whether I adopt or whether I do invitro- i'm going to be a mom.

In other news- we got a puppy, and she's a good distraction from infertility- look at that face!

failure.

Sometimes things just don't work out.  You make a plan and have this life you envision for yourself and it just never happens.

For us-  We were going to start trying for a baby and be pregnant by January or February of 2012.  I was going to walk through graduation pregnant and then we'd move to Utah and then i'd have a baby and be a mom and have the perfect life.  Well days and months blended together and now i'm on what seems to be a million pills.  Every month I think "this will be the month!  I feel a little different this time!"  And each month i'm disappointed.  Today, my doctor called and said that the pills aren't working and that she has to hash out a new plan.

I wonder how long Shane and I will keep trying.  How many foreign pills should I be putting into my body. Now, we have to make the decision if we would choose in-vitro or adoption.  Sometimes things just don't work out.

What gets me through all of this is knowing that I will someday have a child- no matter what.  Maybe my stomach won't stretch to capacity, or my ankles won't swell up- I can still do Foster care, or be lucky enough to adopt!

I don't write this as a "wo is me" but because I'm sick of crying to Shane about it. I don't know how I got the most patient, loving husband- but I did.  I've felt so guilty because my body is the problem.  My body is the reason we don't have kids- not his.  Not once has he complained or blamed me.  Sheesh- i'm lucky.

fingers crossed

I hate these pills.  I hate thinking about remembering to take one each morning.  

They're chalk-y and they make me itch.  

I hate how they start to dissolve on my tongue. 

 They taste so bad... as if trying to make the process of this whole ordeal even worse then it is.  

They stare at me.  Sitting on my nightstand, watching me sleep. 

 I fall asleep looking at them and wake up looking at them.  

And, ps... does it seem like EVERYONE is pregnant?  

hey little stupid clomid pill.... hows about you make me pregnant too?