Farewell sweet scoot....

We sold the orange scooter :(.  The streets of SLC aren't the same as the ones in Rexburg.  Ahh, I miss the maximum speed limit being 25 mph.
Farewell sweet scooter, we loved you.

27 Weeks!

How far along: 27 weeks

Size of baby:  cucumber! 

Total weight gain/loss:  + 12 pounds!

Maternity clothes:  Yes!  I've also gotten a belly band so I can wear my pre- maternity pants un buttoned which for some reason gives me a really big boost of self esteem!

Stretch marks: Nope!  Hallelujah!

Sleep:  Lately this boy wakes up around 6:45 AM and punches my side foreverrrrrrr and then likes to do the same thing at 12:30 AM.

Best moment(s) last week:  sitting in bed for what seems like an hour and just watch my stomach smiling at it.  It's the time that I just spend with him just chillin.

Movement:  YES!  Wakes me up nice and early.  Shane can feel him all the time AND we are seeing him kick from the outside!

Food cravings:  SUBWAY.  SUSHI. GATORADE

Gender:  BOY!

Belly button - in or out:  In so far, we are on the verge of the pop though

What I miss:  Being able to take a deep breath!  He likes to sit up nice and high at certain points of the day and I can't catch my breath.

What I am looking forward to:  Third trimester!

Milestones:  Wore a pair of pre-pregnany pants this week!

Dear Subway...

Dearest Subway,
You are one of the best things to happen to me.  Your locations are numerous and since I don't toast my sub I can be in and out with my food in a matter of minutes.  I only want veggies and you think that's odd, but it's what the baby wants.
Bless you Subway.

26 Weeks!

How I really feel....

How far along: 26 weeks

Size of baby:  eggplant

Total weight gain/loss:  + 10 pounds!

Maternity clothes:  Yes!  And loving these maxi skirts now that it's getting warmer!

Stretch marks: Not yet... but my belly button is stretched to capacity... stretch marks are a comin!

Sleep:  Off and on.  I'm doing hypobabies for my delivery so I listen to my tracks at night and sleep like a baby!

Best moment(s) last week:  Seeing baby boy on the ultra sound machine.  He's so healthy and perfect!

Movement:  YES!  Wakes me up nice and early.  Shane can feel him all the time AND we are seeing him kick from the outside!

Food cravings:  SUBWAY.  I can pack a foot long.  not joking.  AND Lil debbies

Gender:  BOY!

Belly button - in or out:  In so far, we are on the verge of the pop though

What I miss:  Walking without a waddle and being able to get up from sitting down and not looking like I'm 103.

What I am looking forward to:  Third trimester!

Milestones:  I had 2 days this week where I didn't take a soak in the tub.... is that good?

poppy loves the baby.

I've always heard that animals can sense when you are sick, pregnant... or if something else is up.  Poppy is defiantly on top of things.  She knew I was pregnant right away.  She has to see me at all times, she enjoys sleeping on my tummy or very close to me and when I have bad days she doesn't mind sleeping all day with me!
When I was on bed rest, Poppy was on bed rest.  I don't mean to sound like an obsessive dog person... but they really are the best!

just some of the MANY times poppy has decided to watch over me.

well...

We found out this morning that we are having a boy!  The ultra sound tech put her wand on my stomach and boom!  There was this image- my boy ain't shy!  We are seriously so happy.  Now I can start planning more and we can think about names and color schemes!  The baby was looking healthy- and was moving a whole bunch.  I just can't believe this guy is growing inside me!  I'm just so happy!!!

infertility problem #42

I get in these pinning moods, especially with baby stuff.  When secret boards were introduced- I immediately made a baby board and pinned away.  I pin stuff for "someday".  It's a sort of soothing process- it's gratifying but I don't know why.  It's probably pretty backwards that I can't have children but I can't stop pinning baby stuff.  But being a woman that can't have a baby is also pretty backwards.

infertile?  make a secret baby board- it made me feel better!

gen con.

can't wait.

when i try to sleep

i've been having a hard time sleeping.
I know I'm tired but I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Whenever I try to fall asleep I try to start thinking about what I want to dream about.  Lately, I can't picture myself pregnant.  I can't picture a big stomach, swollen ankles, getting ultrasounds or even shopping for baby stuff.  Then, I start thinking about that becoming a reality.  Maybe I can't have kids so this is my subconscious telling me I can't.  But then, I start thinking about it and then I literally don't sleep.
The past weeks I've been having some major cramping.  Like wake me up in the middle of the night, fetal position, rocking back and forth, making me sweat cramps.  It throws me into a nightmare because it feels just like my miscarriage.  EXACTLY like my miscarriage.  It frightens me.  I know i'm not pregnant, so I know it's not a miscarriage, but it's just keeping that idea so fresh in my mind.  The days that I used to long about having a child are starting to fade away and that scares me.  I think i've become emotionally drained and now that I can't picture myself having a child, why do I invest so much in it.
It's so much more than a financials strain, it's mental, physical and so emotional.  It's brought Shane and I closer together, but at the same time I feel like there are parts that we've become numb about.  Where we are (Utah) we feel like we are out of the norm.  We're both graduated with big people jobs and we don't have kids.  I feel like it's a natural step in life for us to start having children and we're ready.
I trust the path I'm on.  I trust that what will happen- will happen.  I trust heavenly father.
I trust my relationship with Shane.

when you're pregnant... and then not

I wasn't sure exactly how to title this post because everything seemed so dramatic or gruesome.  So I decided to title it exactly like how it happened... I was pregnant and then I wasn't anymore.  I'm also not going to go through and re-read it and edit it, so sorry if there are typos or if it seems jumbled- I just wanted to get it out of my head!

On June 9th I woke up at 6:30am to go to the bathroom.  I had been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms including excessive peeing!  I was nauseous and my boobs were really sensitive.  My doctor told me to take a test on the 8th or 9th but I was so nervous!  Could I handle if it was negative?  What if it was positive.  I hated that there was so much riding on this one test.  I read and re-read the instructions over and over to make sure I was doing it right.  I took the test and set my phone timer to three minutes and tried.. oh I TREID SO HARD not to look at the test until the three minutes was over.  After 30 seconds a faint line appeared...
I flipped out.  Was this for real, was i really pregnant?  Was this test wrong?  Was it a false positive?  Is the line supposed to be darker?  I had a billion questions.  Of course, it was early on a Sunday and Shane was fast asleep and even when I jumped in bed it took him a while to figure out what was going on.  (I did have a plan to wait and tell him in an adorable, cute way but I just couldn't wait!)

Fast forward.  I was literally on cloud 9!  I was so happy all of Sunday.  On Monday I got blood work done and it confirmed I was pregnant!  My HcG level was around a 50.  They just want the number to double every other day.  On Wednesday my level was at 168.  The doctor was happy with how things were progressing and I had another appointment to test my level on Monday, the 17th.  All week I was so happy.  I couldn't believe that I was pregnant!  I started looking at stroller reviews and looking at apartment complexes around us that have two bedrooms.  I downloaded pregnancy apps and found out my due date was on Valentines day!

I also learned all about due dates and how they count from your last period.  So interesting! 

On Monday I woke up early to get my blood work done before I went to work.  I was expecting all was well and my doc called me with the results and told me that my number was 472... and she wanted it to be around a 900.  She told me that she was sorry, but it wasn't good news.  She wanted me to get an ultra sound soon to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby is stuck in my tubes).  She told me to find an OB in Utah (Im using a fertility doctor in Montana) and get an ultrasound done asap. I was devastated.   I cried all day and was so depressed.  I try to give myself a 24 hour time period to be sad and then move on.

I don't have an OB here in Utah but I have been researching them extensively and had a top 5 list.  Of course, all of these doctors had a two month waiting list.  I finally found some random guy in South Jordan who had an opening on Tuesday, 6/18.  I took the appointment and told him what was going on and asked him for an ultrasound.  He refused.  He thought my numbers were okay and set up an appointment two weeks later so we could "take a look at the healthy heartbeat and baby."  I was ticked.  He wouldn't give me an ultrasound and he really didn't' know my story.  I decided to just go a long with it.  I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't in pain.  My fertility doctor told me to keep her updated.

Friday morning, 6/21, I woke up at 5am in immense pain.  (I was about 6 weeks at this point. )  I feel like i'm pretty tough, I've had bad cramps before, but this was on a totally different level.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I had rushing blood.  I immediately knew I was having a miscarriage.  I thought about trying to lay down to see if the pain would go away but I could tell that it was only going to get worse.  I yelled at Shane that I was having a miscarriage.  He rolls over in bed and is like "What?"  I, in a not so nice way, told him that he needed to take me to the ER.  

He drove like a crazy person and we got to the hospital in record time!  I was still bleeding pretty heavily and I literally have never been in so much pain.  I started vomiting and I remember feeling like such a mess.  I was in a robe that opened in the back, I was bleeding all over, It was 5am so I already looked like sunshine and now I was barfing.  How Shane will ever find me attractive and and want to attempt to make another baby with me again- i'll never know.

The doctors came in and took some tests.  Lots of blood work and then they gave me an IV.  They finally gave me some zofran which made my naseua subside and some narcotics so I would stop telling Shane "I just want to die"  (I honestly have never been in that much pain)

Here I am after the narcotics had made it's way into my body:  Sorry there was no before picture!

I got a few ultrasounds done and there was no baby to be found!  I was actually really happy about this because then I wouldn't have to have surgery to remove my baby.  I had already had time to process that I wasn't pregnant anymore- so mentally I was totally fine.  We were happy that the baby was leaving my body naturally.   

I was sent home with some Percocet and nausea medication and was on bed rest for a few days.  I popped narcotics and downed gatorade all day Friday.  I literally slept all day and night- it was wonderful.  On Saturday I also slept almost all day.  I took my last pain pill at about 1pm and haven't looked back since!  

Today, Sunday, 6/23, I am up eating food and even taught Relief Society!  I feel so much better and I feel like I'm in a really good place.  My body was able to get pregnant- I didn't know if that could happen.  I learned at the hospital that 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage- so I was just getting my one out of the way.  Hopefully after my body heals I can start trying again.  Taking a few months off to get my body back to normal and to just be emotionally happy for a little while.

 The nightstand of a miscarriage patient.

I just want to give a shout-out to the Shane man.  He has been so patient and loving towards me through this entire time.  He drove me to the hospital in record time and even when I was telling him that I wanted to die because my pain was so intense (yes I am a drama queen) and even when I had blood all over and was barfing at the same time he still told me that he loved me and even said I was beautiful.  He's such a keeper.  love him. I mean look at that face- hubba hubba.

all i want in life....

is a little babe that's the perfect combo of these two faces.